Mom;

Hello! How are you? I know it’s been a while, But I do think about you all the time. Thanks for the card and money order back in may. I would have writ back then, however, I’ve been dealing with some things. 

I don’t feel as if the family cares about me. I know there will always be an unconditional love there. Yet each time I search for that love I come up empty handed. I’ve also found that I don’t recognize any part of the old me. I wonder if that is normal? Or perhaps it’s the result of little love and support, and constant stress. I have no clue what the direction of this letter is really. I don’t even know what I am ever trying to say. I’m always writing you letters; though, I never send them. My intent is to write a letter and send it however in the end I question myself. Will this letter change anything. And damning any possible future relation with you. I hold out from send all the letters as I believe theres hope. I’m scarred and I’m trying to heal. My unsent letters are my search for the right words. Words that will fix my troubled soul. So as I began doubting if I should send the letter or not I justify my reason in the end that I only have one envelope… coinsidental or intentional; I don’t know? I don’t hate you but there is a distaste every time I think about you. It’s a deep frustration. And I don’t have it with you it’s it with my entire family. But only with you does my throat knot up. I’m trying to write slow and deliberate because I struggle to keep my thoughts straight. When I write you it’s the only time I feel something. I know even if I were to send this letter you wouldn’t write back anyway, so in a way I have sent this letter and all the others. Why am I writing! Perhaps I’m writing to understand why I write. You & I are much alike I realized recently! I am you! Well the chances of sending this just got slimmer. I have to go to rec, so when I come back I’ll probably be done with letter. I really wanted to go into why how we are alike.